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  • Instant A**hole…Just Add Gluten

    Instant A**hole…Just Add Gluten

    For whatever reason, when I get glutened, there is a two-day reaction so I can never be sure what was the culprit.

    When people ask me what I feel like when I’m like this, I tell them it’s hard to explain but I just feel “chemically off”. There is an imbalance in my system that wrecks havoc with my physical and emotional well-being.

    There was one point after a glutening where I was driving alone and as another car was approaching me, I thought “would it be the worst thing in the world if we had a head on collision?”

    That’s just crazy.

    Another time, while I was yelling at one of the Dudettes for something incredibly minor, she gave me well-deserved sh*t right back and finally I said “Sorry hon…gluten turns me into a total jerk.”

    I think Mrs. Dude summed it up best. We rarely, and I mean rarely, fight. But by the third day, she had had enough with me.

    When I finally got her to open up to me, she said she hates seeing my this way and that it “opens old wounds”.

    I understood.

    So next time you hear a “celiac expert” say the symptoms are simply bloating and gas, tell them they couldn’t be more wrong.

    Or if you’ve just been glutened, tell them to f*ck off 🙂

    Damn you gluten.

  • Advice for the newly diagnosed celiac

    Advice for the newly diagnosed celiac

    Just diagnosed with celiac disease? Been diagnosed for awhile now but still struggling? This is for you. Please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We have all been there. The fear, the unknown, the overwhelming effort you feel it is going to take to stay healthy. It can be brutal.

    My goal has always been not just to educate and entertain, but to empower; to give those newly diagnosed the strength, confidence and knowledge they need to get busy living. To that end, I asked my celiac community the following question:

    What advice would you give to the newly diagnosed? Not necessarily what foods to avoid because anybody can look that up. But what have YOU learned from living with celiac disease that you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed?

    Here is some of the spot-on advice they offered:

    From day one, your illness will be trivialized. From the doctors who diagnose you, who can make it seem that going gluten-free is the easiest thing in the world, to anyone you speak to who tell you “there are so many gluten-free things on menus now, there’s never been a better time to do it” (like it was a choice), to the waiters that roll their eyes at you. Rise above it.

    —–

    It’s a learning curve. Take it slowly and build on your knowledge base. You will make mistakes, and they will be painful. You learn from them though and move forward until it’s second nature.

    —–

    Some symptoms will lift immediately. Others will take a while. Be gentle. Know that your body will take a while to recover and that is OK.

    —–

    It takes TIME – Nothing comes easy or fast, and you’ll realize that with this diagnosis. Patience is probably the hardest part because you just want to feel better NOW. Take it one step at a time, and know that things will start to become second-nature to you quicker than you thought!

    —–

    There will be a breakdown of some or many of your relationships. This illness can be debilitating and socially ostracizing. Either you will tire of the people who tell you how they eat gluten-free for “health reasons” and its SOOOO easy, or they will tire of you, because you are now a “burden” at social engagements.

    —–

    You will spend a lot of time apologizing for your illness. Over time you will stop doing this, but particularly in the beginning you will feel like a burden. Sometimes it’s easier not to eat than it is to “cause a fuss.” If anyone makes you feel like this – it’s easier to remove them from your life than it was to remove gluten so feel free to do that.

    —–

    Advanced planning is part of your life now (as much as food is). Being spontaneous may be difficult but being healthy and having quality of life is so much better. Take a few minutes to pre-plan and everything else will fall into place.

    —–

    Attitude is everything in this journey and there’s no other way to say it. Keep your chin up, don’t apologize for having a disease that is out of your control and find new foods you enjoy that are also healthy for you.

    —–

    Know that a lot of the time you will feel like it’s unfair. It is unfair that there are people who can be carefree and just walk into any restaurant and eat and you can’t. But try to remember there are people who have it way worse than you. You can cure your body with just food!

    —–

    You’ll learn how to become a good advocate for yourself. It’s hard – it’s not something that comes naturally to many of us! But it’ll get easier, and know that looking out for your health isn’t being unreasonable, overly demanding, or “too needy.”

    —–

    Some good stuff, right? Want to read even more advice. HERE YOU GO.

  • 100 jokes about gluten

    100 jokes about gluten

    I asked ChatGPT to give me 100 original jokes about celiac or gluten. I meant to ask for 10 but added an extra zero by mistake.

    Then I was going to take the best 10 jokes.

    Then I figured I’m overanalyzing this way too much.

    So with no further delay, here they are. And just remember…I did not write these! 🙂

    Wordplay / Puns

    I tried to join a gluten support group. They told me I didn’t make the breadline.

    Gluten walked into a bar. I walked out.

    I asked for gluten-free bread. They gave me bread free of gluten, taste, and dignity.

    I don’t break bread with people. Bread breaks me.

    Gluten is like an ex—it shows up everywhere you don’t want it.

    I told the waiter I’m celiac. He said, “That’s tough. I’m Libra.”

    Gluten-free muffins are like bad relationships: they look good in the case but crumble as soon as you touch them.

    I dream of a world where bread is just a metaphor for money again.

    My love language is “cross-contamination awareness.”

    Gluten-free dating is just like gluten-free bread—dense and a little dry.

    Dining Out

    My server said, “Our gluten-free pizza is made in the same oven.” I said, “So is my tombstone.”

    Asking a chain restaurant about cross-contact is like asking a toddler to file your taxes.

    Nothing says “romance” like a waiter rolling their eyes when you say celiac.

    If a restaurant says, “We take gluten allergies seriously,” I hear, “We Googled it once.”

    Eating out as a celiac is like Russian roulette, but with breadsticks.

    My fortune cookie once said, “You shouldn’t have eaten this.”

    Waiter: “The fries share a fryer with onion rings.” Me: “So… a side of stomachache?”

    Every restaurant has two menus: one for normal people, and one for me—the panic menu.

    I asked if the soup had flour. They said, “Only a little.” That’s like saying, “The pool only has a little pee.”

    Date night as a celiac: me, my partner, and the one restaurant in town I trust.

    The server asked if I wanted the bread basket. That’s like asking Superman if he wants kryptonite.

    When the menu says “gluten-free option available,” I read it as “good luck.”

    “Do you want croutons?” is the gluten version of “Do you want fries with that?”

    Every time I eat out, I bring two things: an appetite and my last will & testament.

    Celiac-friendly restaurant? That’s just a place where the waiter doesn’t audibly sigh.

    If I had a dollar for every time I heard “it should be fine,” I could open my own restaurant.

    At buffets, I don’t fill my plate. I fill out my medical history.

    My menu choice is whatever comes with the fewest side effects.

    The “chef assured us” is the gluten-free community’s version of “trust me, bro.”

    Cooking at Home

    Gluten-free bread makes a great doorstop.

    My toaster has two settings: warm or launch into orbit.

    Every gluten-free recipe starts with hope and ends with a trash can.

    GF cookies: 50% sugar, 50% regret.

    When I bake gluten-free bread, even the birds turn it down.

    My stand mixer files for workers’ comp every time I attempt gluten-free dough.

    The hardest part about gluten-free baking is explaining why it costs $47.

    Gluten-free bagels are just hockey pucks with a marketing team.

    My kitchen motto: “In flour we trusted.”

    I once baked gluten-free brownies so dense, I use them as paperweights.

    Grocery Store

    Gluten-free section: where wallets go to die.

    $9 for gluten-free crackers? At that price, they should do my taxes too.

    Every gluten-free cart looks like a science experiment.

    I bought gluten-free cereal. The box was the most filling part.

    Nothing says betrayal like finding “may contain wheat” in tiny letters.

    Gluten-free labels should come with a free therapy session.

    Why are gluten-free cookies sold in packs of six? Because seven would be excessive, apparently.

    I once bought gluten-free bread so small, I needed a magnifying glass to butter it.

    GF pasta: cooks in 9 minutes, disintegrates in 10.

    Gluten-free granola is just “expensive bird food.”

    Social Life

    I told my friends I can’t eat gluten. They said, “But one bite won’t hurt.” Yeah, and one shark bite won’t kill either, right?

    Potluck invite: translation—bring your own food and a cooler.

    Every party has chips, dip, and me Googling “is salsa gluten-free?”

    Nothing says fun like interrogating a birthday cake.

    I RSVP to events based on whether I trust the host’s kitchen sponge.

    BYOB = Bring Your Own Bread.

    Gluten-free beer is basically carbonated sadness.

    When I say “I can’t eat that,” people look at me like I’ve insulted their grandma.

    My friends say they love me. Then they serve lasagna.

    Nothing builds character like explaining celiac disease to a drunk stranger.

    Medical / Health

    My doctor said celiac is manageable. I said, “So is juggling chainsaws.”

    Gluten-free isn’t a diet. It’s witness protection for my intestines.

    Celiac bingo: bloating, migraines, fatigue, bathroom sprint.

    My body treats gluten like an unwanted guest at a wedding.

    Living with celiac means I can find the bathroom in any building in under 30 seconds.

    People say “gluten-free fad diet.” I say, “Enjoy my medical records.”

    Celiac isn’t contagious, but trust me—you don’t want to catch me after a gluten hit.

    My gut’s motto: “Enter at your own risk.”

    Celiac turns dinner into a crime scene investigation.

    Gluten sneaks into food more than exes sneak into your DMs.

    Travel

    Road trip snacks? Just sadness in Tupperware.

    TSA confiscated my gluten-free granola bar. That was my in-flight meal, man!

    Hotel “gluten-free breakfast” = fruit salad and tears.

    My luggage is 60% clothes, 40% emergency snacks.

    I once asked if the plane meal was gluten-free. The flight attendant laughed for three hours.

    Gluten-free travel tip: just pack an extra stomach.

    The hardest part of traveling gluten-free? Translating “don’t kill me with bread.”

    My idea of sightseeing: scanning airport menus for french fries.

    Road trips = gas stations, bathrooms, and me crying at the snack aisle.

    I don’t collect souvenirs. I collect safe restaurants.

    Miscellaneous / Random

    Gluten is the Voldemort of food—it must not be named.

    I told Alexa I’m gluten-free. Now she only suggests sadness.

    Gluten-free fortune: “You will spend $12 on bread today.”

    My spirit animal is a stale gluten-free baguette.

    “Gluten-free” and “moist” never appear in the same sentence.

    When I see wheat fields, I hear boss fight music.

    If karma is real, my enemy’s punishment will be mislabeled soy sauce.

    My safe word is “are you sure this fryer is dedicated?”

    Gluten-free life hack: lower your expectations.

    Dating profile: “Likes long walks, safe kitchens, and crying in grocery stores.”

    Short Zingers

    Cross-contact = cross-contamination = cross with humanity.

    “Gluten-free” doesn’t mean “problem-free.”

    I run on coffee and bitterness.

    Gluten ruins everything—except puns.

    People say, “It’s just bread.” My gut says, “It’s just trauma.”

    I want abs. Instead, I have food labels memorized.

    I’d kill for bread… which is ironic, because bread might kill me.

    Gluten-free muffins double as self-defense weapons.

    My gluten-free waffles should come with a dental insurance plan.

    Gluten-free pancakes: now available in coasters.

    Being gluten-free means I’ll never “rise to the occasion.”

  • “Don’t you dare bring your own food to my son’s wedding!”

    “Don’t you dare bring your own food to my son’s wedding!”

    You’ve heard of Bridezilla? This is Mom-of-the-groomzilla! Here’s the story:

    A woman was invited to her friend’s wedding.

    She can’t eat gluten or dairy.

    You with me so far? Good.

    She mentioned on the RSVP card that she has dietary restrictions.

    The bride told her they can’t guarantee there won’t be cross-contamination but hope she’d be ok with salad and fruit.

    Now…salad and fruit for a five hour affair isn’t exactly an ideal solution.

    So she brought her own food. Didn’t make a production out of it. She stepped outside the venue during dinner and ate her chicken and rice.

    In other words, she did the right thing, though I don’t think eating outside was necessary (but I understand why she did it.)

    Yep…you know where this is going.

    Turns out the mom of the groom noticed it and didn’t take kindly to it.

    She said the woman was disrespecting the caterer, made the couple look cheap and embarrassed the family.

    What?!

    I have been to many weddings since my celiac diagnosis. Every single host has been more than gracious, trying to feed me safely but understanding that I need to bring my own food instead.

    Not once was I accused of being “selfish” as this woman was.

    I’m not sure what the woman could have done differently, except perhaps let the couple know ahead of time she would be bringing her own food. But even if this were the case, I still think the mom would still have caused a scene.

    And for what? For “quietly” protecting her own health.

    I wish the bride the best of luck. Her mother-in-law is a bitch.

  • GF Jules Recipe: Apple Fritters

    GF Jules Recipe: Apple Fritters

    Let me ask you…does that picture look gluten-free to you? Dare I say…it almost looks…too good?! Crispy on the outside. Yummers on the inside. Let’s do this.

    Apple Fritters

    You know it’s apple fritter season when apples are plentiful and state fairs are happening all around the country. In other words, right about now is the perfect time to make gluten free apple fritters!

    Prep Time: 20 minutes minutes
    Cook Time: 4 minutes minutes
    Servings: 15

    INGREDIENTS

    Fritters

    • 2 cups peeled chopped apples (cut to the size of blueberries) – pat dry if very wet – (Gala, Fuji or other crisp apple)
    • 2 (270) cups (grams) gfJules Gluten Free All Purpose Flour
    • 1/3 cup granulated cane sugar
    • 1 Tbs. baking powder
    • 1/2 tsp. instant yeast (Red Star® Quick Rise*)
    • 1 tsp. sea salt
    • 1½ tsp. ground cinnamon
    • 1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg
    • 2 eggs beaten (or favorite egg substitute like aquafaba)
    • 1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
    • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
    • 2 Tbs. coconut oil melted (or vegetable shortening or butter, melted)
    • 1/2 cup apple cider

    Glaze

    • 2 cups confectioner’s sugar
    • 1/4 cup apple cider
    • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
    • 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice

    Additional

    • high heat cooking oil (like vegetable oil) for boiling fritters (enough to fill your pot at least 3 inches)
    • candy thermometer (recommended for measuring heat of oil)

    INSTRUCTIONS

    Fritters

    1. Peel and chop apples to the size of blueberries or small grapes. Pat the pieces dry if they are very juicy. Set aside.
    2. Whisk dry ingredients together in a small bowl. Toss the apples in the dry mixture bowl to coat, then set aside.
    3. In a large mixing bowl, combine wet ingredients listed through melted coconut oil. Once mixed, stir in the dry-apple mixture, adding the apple cider by pouring on top. Stir to combine well, but do not over-mix. The dough should hold together easily when scooped with a spoon; if it is too dry, add more apple cider by the tablespoon until the consistency is right.
    4. Heat 3 cups of vegetable oil in a large pot — or enough to cover the bottom of your pot to about 3 inches. Heat on medium-high to a temperature of 325 ℉. If you have a candy thermometer, affix it to the side of the pot with the tip in the hot oil.
    5. If you do not have a thermometer to test the oil, drop a small amount of batter into hot oil to test: if it burns quickly, the oil is too hot; if it bubbles as pictured in the video — and the fritter begins to gently brown and float — the temperature should be right.
    6. Once the oil is the proper temperature, drop 1/3 cup spoonfuls of batter into the oil, leaving enough room between them so they are not touching. Once the underside of each fritter has browned nicely, use tongs to flip the fritter over to cook on the other side.
    7. Total cook time should be around 3-4 minutes. Remove to drain on paper towels on a wire rack or plate and repeat with remaining batter.

    Glaze

    1. Once cooled, prepare the glaze by whisking all ingredients together in a small, deep bowl. The glaze should be thin but not watery.
    2. Place one fritter inside the glaze bowl and turn over to coat on all sides; remove to a plate and repeat with remaining fritters.
    3. Serve immediately or anytime on the day you make them; if serving later, allow glaze to set, then place in a container with a lid to keep the fritters crisp.

    Link to full recipe on Jules’ site.

  • Calling a gluten-free eucharist obnoxious?

    Calling a gluten-free eucharist obnoxious?

    Well this is ugly. The Spectator magazine, around since 1828 with a paid circulation of 72,000 and a popular website, recently ran an article by one Melissa Kite titled “The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church”, with a lovely byline that reads “Gluten-free Eucharist? I suppose it was only a matter of time before the Pope gave in to dietary fads.”

    Now first…let’s start off with some good news. I used to write these kinds of posts all the time. If you go back to my diaper blogging years, I was constantly calling the media out for crap like this. But recently? Crickets. Meaning the media has mostly moved on or our efforts are making a difference. Either way, it’s a step in the right direction.

    But you know what they say…one step forward and two steps back. And this article is a major step back. I should have known it was a sh*t publication when I saw another article on their site titled “If only Bruce Springsteen could write as well as he sings.” I think Bruce will be the first to tell you that he writes better than he sings.

    “Remember all the movies, Terry, we’d go see?/ Trying to learn how to walk like heroes we thought we had to be/ And after all this time to find we’re just like all the rest/ Stranded in the park and forced to confess/ To hiding on the backstreets.”

    Nobody puts Brucie in the corner.

    Ok…moving on…let’s break the article down, Dude-style.

    Melissa Says: A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing thing I have ever heard said in a church: ‘If anyone wants a gluten-free Eucharist, please queue up on this side.’

    Dude says: Two points: 1) If that sentence seriously disturbs you…I think it’s time to reevaluate your life a bit; and 2) If that is one of the most disturbing things you’ve heard in church EVER, consider yourself pretty blessed.

    Melissa says: I have been going to mass off and on like the bad Catholic I am all my life but I have never heard anything so ludicrous.

    Dude says: Don’t limit your badness to just being a Catholic. It seems to me like you are full of badness.

    Melissa says: My boyfriend whispered to me ‘They’ll be offering halal communion next.’

    Dude says: For the record, Halal is an Arabic word that means “permissible.” In terms of food, it means food that is permissible according to Islamic law. So you’re ok dictating what Catholics should and shouldn’t eat, but not other religions? Ok…got it.

    Melissa says: I suppose it was only a matter of time before the Pope gave in to food allergies. He won’t allow divorce, extra-marital sex or birth control but wheat intolerance? The might of Rome is no match for wheat intolerance.

    Dude says: Thanks for the reminder of why I haven’t been to church in 30 years. And by the way, celiac disease, which you fail to mention in the ENTIRE article, is not a food allergy. But I get the feeling you really don’t care about accuracy. Just clicks.

    Melissa says: While every poor soul in the developing world is happy to eat anything, every spoilt idiot in the western world is allergic to some perfectly innocuous foodstuff that they claim will kill them if they eat a molecule of it. No dietary assumption is too illogical or too scientifically baseless for us to trumpet it.

    Dude says: I agree the Western world’s diet, for the most part, is absolute crap. But does that mean allergies don’t exist? People don’t get sick and potentially die from various food issues? Are you that wrapped up in your little cocoon to understand this? Or you do understand it but you just totally lack empathy?

    Melissa says: Who are these people who have demanded their Catholic priest offer them a gluten-free Eucharist? For truly they are on a whole new level of dietary obnoxiousness.

    Dude says: They are 1% of the world’s population that has celiac disease and 6% of the world’s population that has non-celiac gluten sensitivity. And if I were you, I would not be throwing around the term “obnoxiousness” so lightly. Look inside.

    Melissa says: And why has the mighty Catholic Church made such an ass of itself by giving in to them?

    Dude says: Because they have a heart. Because they have compassion. Because they are educated. Pretty much all of the things you aren’t.

    Melissa says: What next? The priest asking parents if they’d like to see the children’s menu, where the ‘Happy Communion’ features mini Eucharists with smiley faces on them?

    Dude says: No words.

    Melissa says: Would not a better route have been for the church to tell those worshippers agitating for a special menu to pray for their digestive problems to be relieved? I’m sure if they have faith, their dietary burdens will be lifted from them.

    Dude says: That’s right, because prayer cures everything. Dang…if I just started praying, my celiac disease would go away. As would my back pain. And I never would have gotten cancer.

    This article sinks to the level of idiocy that I have not seen since the early days of my blog. But congratulations Melissa and The Spectator. You’ve clearly shown that we still have a long way to go in terms of celiac awareness. I’ll just keep on keeping on, while you keep living in a world of judgmental ignorance. So typical of today’s world. If it doesn’t affect you, it’s not important.

    Ok Bruce…you hack…take me back to my happy place. Take me to the Backstreets please.

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  • Surround yourself with good people. You deserve it.

    Surround yourself with good people. You deserve it.

    I’m blessed. I’m more than blessed. The people I surround myself with are friggin’ awesome.

    My wife and daughters? Simply the best.
    My brothers? Very cool.
    My friends? So much fun.
    My in-laws? Amazing.

    But sadly I hear story after story of people who are surrounded by total turds and it just ain’t right. Here’s an email I just received last night.

    We travel a significant distance to celebrate Christmas with my husband’s family. I would prefer we not have a gift exchange, but they insist. We try to put a lot of thought into what we give them, trying to be practical, because as we get older, who really needs more STUFF?I was diagnosed 7 years ago with celiac disease, so it’s not anything new to them. We usually bring the entire meal, so they don’t have to worry about accommodating my diet, not that they would anyway. At least I know I’ll be able to eat/celebrate with them.

    I was very sad when I opened my gift this year to find a giant tin of gluten-filled store-bought cookies!!! I was so taken aback. I said, “Thanks, I’m sure Tom will enjoy eating these.” I know it’s the thought that counts, but then WHAT was she thinking? Giving gluten cookies to a celiac is like giving a basketball to a blind man or a work-out video to someone in a wheelchair.

    I felt very sad. On the way home, in the dark, I shed silent tears.

    The world is an ugly place and it’s getting uglier by the minute. We’re losing our way as a civilization. We’ve been given this amazing planet to live on and instead of sharing our resources peacefully, we argue and we fight and we kill. Over land. Over religion. Over politics. Over money. What a waste.

    My point? Life is short. You deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. Celiac or no celiac.

    If you are surrounded by people like the above, get them out of your life. It’s inexcusable for anyone EVER to give a box of gluten-filled cookies to a celiac.

    Get the toxins out of your life and find yourself some peace.

  • Gluten-Free Love Story: To Infinity and Beyond…Celiac

    Gluten-Free Love Story: To Infinity and Beyond…Celiac

    Years back, I had people send me gluten-free love stories. There were no rules. I ended up receiving a lot of them and I will post them sporadically on the Daily Digest. The following one sticks with me to this day.

    —

    Our love story is not a conventional one. It is definitely one of love. But also a long, complicated, emotional, work in progress….our lovely life.

    In 2004, I married the love of my life. A hard working, loving, caring, intelligent person who would help anyone at anytime if it was in his power. We did everything together. We loved our lunch time phone calls from work and our weekday meals. We looked forward to the little mundane things, like long walks and short drives, and tv shows on Tuesday and Thursday nights. We were so predictable. We thought we had a plan, one to last a lifetime.

    In 2006, we were pregnant! We were having a baby due to arrive June 2007! I was very sick throughout the entire pregnancy. I was placed in the hospital 3 times with dehydration. Who would have thought, possibly Celiac was to blame. (I had been anemic since I was a young girl). I heard…“Keep eating the BRAT diet, it’ll help”. I’m sure that whole grain toast did me well.

    We referred to our little bundle as “the Golden Child” all the time. (Fittingly, if you ask his hair color now, he will tell you it is spun gold.)

    Just two and a half short years later, in December 2009, our world was shattered. My husband, and amazing father to our son, left for work and never returned. It was an accident. There are simply no words to describe this time in our life.

    Every morning I woke to a bright blue eyed boy with and an amazing smile on my his face. That smile breathed new life into me everyday. And it became clear, though this wasn’t the life we signed up for, I have to provide a life worthy of this little person because he has already moved mountains in my world.

    Last April, I became sick and had a high fever. I went to the Dr. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and lyme disease. Odd, as we are not outdoor people and it was April in Ohio. I was then placed on heavy antibiotics and referred to an infectious disease Dr. who confirmed it was a virus.

    I decided to change my PCP. It was a great move. I found a very caring Dr. She took the extra steps, given our situation. She ordered a set of blood tests which showed definite malabsorbtion issues. Alot of blood tests later, it was confirmed; off the charts Celiac Disease and Hypoparathyroidism. I then proceeded to get 8 rounds of iron infusions. I went to a GI Dr., had a biopsy through an endoscopy and it was confirmed definite Celiac.

    The possibilities that were running through my mind, were very scary. My son (age 5) said, “it’s just a food thing.” This is great! What a positive spin.

    It was recommended to have my son tested for Celiac by the nutritionist, my PCP, and the GI Dr. So, we found ourselves in the lab, giving blood one more time. The nurse said close your eyes and think of the beach. My son said, “You forgot the rubber band on my arm and the ball for me to squeeze. There’s no need for me to look away or think of a beach, I am not afraid.” A surprised nurse asked if he would like a job.

    Luckily, my son does not currently have Celiac Disease. Yet, he still checks every label. He knows to look for the words wheat, gluten, rye, barley, etc…all the important ones found on the ingredient label. And he is certain to let everyone know if they offer me food at a function, it has to be gluten free. He looks out for me in every way.

    After following a gluten free diet and finishing the 8 rounds of iron infusions, my stomach issues were escalating. I went to a new GI Dr.; my son by my side through it all. He said to my son, “you will like me, I am going to help your mom.”

    My son, skeptical, said “we’ll see.”

    This already dedicated GI Dr. was even more determined to figure out the cause. I had a colonoscopy on December 23rd. And I was diagnosed a week and a half later with Lymphocytic Colitis. Since this diagnosis, and treatment, my quality of life has vastly improved. No more sleepless nights due to GI issues. I have yet to see my endocrinologist. The appointment is fast approaching. And I have to get labs drawn again soon to see if my iron levels are maintaining.

    Whenever there is a down moment or I look like I am reflecting, my brave son tells me “chin up buttercup”, something my husband used to say to me all the time.

    And I tell him “I love you to infinity and beyond”, something his dad and I would always say to him before bed. The last thing his father said to him.

    I know I can get through anything as long as I have the love of this 5 year old little Golden Child.

  • What alcohol is gluten-free?

    What alcohol is gluten-free?

    If you are at a celiac support group or have an online following, I have a great way to cause some controversy. Simply say “[insert any liquor here] is gluten-free.” You will certainly get your share of opinions; some of them spot on, some of them fear-based and some of them just totally bizarre.

    I will try to set you as straight as humanly possible. But alcohol is one of those issues where I always say LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. And yes…there are still some question marks regarding specific alcohol, because isn’t there always?!

    Ok…ready for some fun. Here we go.

    BEER

    Beer is split into two camps: Gluten-free and Gluten-removed. This is pretty simple. Well, let me rephrase that. This “should” be pretty simple, but alas it’s actually very complicated.

    Gluten-free beer is just that. Totally gluten-free and completely safe.

    Gluten-removed beer is actually made with gluten, but then, so they say, the gluten is removed using a proprietary process, making it fall below 20ppm. I don’t drink these and I never will. Naturally, they market themselves as gluten-free, even though technically they’re not allowed.

    You want even more confusion? The CSA, a top celiac organization, gave their seal of approval to Omission, a gluten-removed beer, even though their seal implicitly states that “our Seal Program does not allow the use of oats or ingredients that are derived from gluten-containing grains that have been refined in such a way to remove the gluten.”

    How’s that for a contradiction?

    And let’s add one more layer of confusion into the mix. Some standard beers actually say they are safe for celiacs, falling under the 20ppm. These are not gluten-removed beers but beers actually containing gluten. Yeah…crazy I know.

    Here is what one major brewer, Heineken, says on their website’s FAQ page for the question “Does your beer contain gluten?

    “Beer contains gluten, which comes from the grain used to brew it. Only a fraction of the gluten in the grain gets into the beer – the exact amount depends on the kind of grain used. Brewing beer with barley leaves only traces of gluten in the beer, while wheat contributes considerably more. The brewing process can also affect gluten content. Generally speaking, the clearer and blonder the beer is, the less gluten it contains. Some people are allergic to gluten and have to follow a diet that minimizes or excludes their gluten intake. Whether beer can be part of such a diet or not depends on the extent of the allergy and the type of beer consumed. In many cases, lager beers pose no problem for people who have a gluten allergy. However, it is up to individuals to assess their own sensitivity.”

    I think I speak for the gluten-free community when I say…HUH?.

    Oh…and though I’m not a cider kind of guy, there are lots of gluten-free ciders on the market too.

    My personal favorites: Glutenberg (especially the IPA), Ghostfish, Groundbreaker

    Phew…moving on.

    VODKA, GIN, RUM, TEQUILA

    As long as they are non-flavored, they are safe. Yes, I know some of them are made with wheat. But the distillation process removes all gluten, leaving them with a whole lot of goodness behind. And if you want to be extra careful with the vodka, there are plenty made from corn, grape or potato.

    Yes…I know there are still many celiacs who swear these items are not gluten-free. But science says otherwise. And so does The University of Chicago Celiac Disease Center. They say that “in pure spirits, the distillation process makes these beverages safe because the protein is removed. However, flavored spirits may contain malt, and should be avoided.”

    And by the way, if you’re wondering why removing the gluten from liquor is ok but removing it from beer is not, that’s a valid question. And here’s a valid answer: It’s a totally different process. Science proves that the distillation process of hard liquor removes all gluten. The process that gluten-removed beer uses is not distillation at all. They use enzymes, etc. It’s proprietary and unproven.

    My personal favorites:

    • Vodka: Titos
    • Gin: Hendricks, Bombay Sapphire East
    • Rum: Not a big fan. I used to drink Capt. Morgans back in the day. And try some dark rum with ginger beer for a nice Dark and Stormy (or if it puts you in the mood…a Dark and Horny.)
    • Tequila: Espolon Reposado (best tequila for the money hands down), Casamigos, Don Julio, Cabo Wabo. If making margaritas, just stick with good old Cuervo Gold

    SCOTCH, BOURBON, WHISKEY, RYE

    My dad would enjoy one scotch (or two or three) every night after work. This eventually led to his downfall and way-too-early death. Perhaps sub-consciously that’s why I don’t drink it. Or maybe it’s just because I hate the taste.

    Anyway, my research says these are all gluten-free. But I have heard many, many varying viewpoints from my fellow celiacs about these items. Here’s a sampling of responses I received after posting that whiskey’s, etc. are gluten-free:

    You are spreading mis-information! Some whiskeys, bourbons and scotchs are aged in barrels coated in wheat paste. Very sensitive celiacs can react!

    Dude, sorry but you are misinformed. You are correct about the science of distillation removing gluten, but I’ve never met a distiller that doesn’t add the mash back into their final product. They all do it but most will tell you they don’t.

    Wait – I read from multiple sources that whiskey, scotch and bourbon aren’t gluten free!

    I hate to tell you, Gluten Dude, but i am celiac and i cannot drink those liquors.

    I’ll tell you…being a celiac can be exhausting. Here is what I say to the people above: Perhaps you are sensitive to something else in these liquors and it has nothing to do with gluten. Perhaps not. I reached out to a few popular distillers and heard nothing by crickets in response. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. LISTEN TO YOUR BODIES.

    WINE

    Wine is gluten-free. And you can ignore the rumors about the barrels being sealed with wheat paste. Wine is fine. Especially when you dine. Just don’t take mine. And don’t drink nine. Ok, that’s my last line.

    My personal favorites: Red, White 😉

    So there you have it.

    Oh wait…one more item. Since my celiac diagnosis, my tolerance level has seem to gone done some. If you are going to imbibe, be careful and drink lots of water during the course of the evening.

    Stay thirsty my friends.

  • GF Jules Recipe: Fried Chicken

    GF Jules Recipe: Fried Chicken

    Growing up in Freehold, NJ, my parents would sometimes treat us to Chicken Holiday. I assume you’ve never heard of it. Think KFC. I remember ‘the bucket’ of chicken and my 3 brothers and I basically devouring it in seconds. Ok…fine…maybe minutes. Ah the memories. Want to recapture some of your fried chicken memories? Jules to the rescue.

    Fried Chicken

    This homemade gluten-free Fried Chicken Recipe makes enjoying this comfort food possible anytime you crave this classic southern dish! gfJules Flour makes it crispy and delish!

    Prep Time: 10 minutes minutes
    Cook Time: 40 minutes minutes
    Servings: 4

    INGREDIENTS

    • 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs
    • 1 cup milk or dairy-free milk
    • 1 Tablespoon lemon juice
    • 1 (135) cup (grams) gfJules Gluten Free All Purpose Flour
    • 1 teaspoon onion powder
    • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
    • 1 teaspoon salt
    • 1 teaspoon paprika
    • 1 teaspoon oregano, dried
    • 32-48 ounces high heat cooking oil like avocado oil, sunflower oil, or other vegetable oilmelted (or vegetable shortening or butter, melted)
    • 1/2 cup apple cider

    INSTRUCTIONS

    1. Whisk together the milk and lemon juice in a large flat-bottom glass container. Let it set for 5 minutes to curdle./li>
    2. Add the chicken thighs into the milk. Cover with an airtight lid and allow the thighs to marinate for at least 4 hours or overnight./li>
    3. In a shallow bowl, whisk together the flour, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, paprika, and oregano./li>
    4. Pour oil into a deep saucepan, filling to at least 2-3 inches of oil. Heat the oil on the stovetop until it reaches 350°F./li>
    5. Using tongs, take each chicken thigh from the milk mixture and dredge through the flour mixture. Thoroughly coat each chicken thigh with the flour mixture./li>
    6. Transfer 2-3 thighs into the hot oil at a time, taking care not to overcrowd your saucepan. The temperature of the oil will go down when the chicken is added, but try to maintain as close to 350°F as possible throughout the process./li>
    7. Allow the chicken to fry on each side for 6-7 minutes, flipping with tongs so both sides get equal time in the hot oil. The internal temperature of the chicken should be 165°F. Be careful of hot oil splatters!/li>
    8. Remove the fried chicken from the pan and onto a cooling rack or a plate lined with paper towels. Repeat with the remaining coated chicken thighs./li>
    9. Serve fresh and warm for optimum crunchiness. Store leftovers in an airtight container in the fridge and re-heat in an air fryer or oven, not microwave.

    Link to full recipe on Jules’ site.