Influencers, influencers
Just the word makes me wretch
To say that I abhor them
Isn’t a stretch
What is my problem?
Why do they put me in a tizzy?
They’re in it for themselves
And have zero authenticity
There’s no product they won’t push
No idea they’ll shy away from
Even if the product is shit
And the idea is really dumb
Let’s take a step back
And see where it all began
I’ll start with the Kardashians
And their god-awful clan
Their father was a lawyer
Who set a murderer free
No that’s not relevant
But still bugs the hell out of me
Kim was the first influencer
To go gluten-free
The press ate it up
But I made my plea
Then came Kylie and Kendall
And the rest of the K’s
Gluten-free became mainstream
It was now officially a craze
Miley Cyrus joined in
As did Channing Tatum
Don’t get me started on Gwyneth Paltrow
(I just coughed up some phlegm)
“So what?” you may be saying
“Why does it give you such pause?”
Well I’m a celiac advocate
And it doesn’t help the cause
When celebrities go gluten-free
But mainly for clicks
It makes it harder for the rest of us
When one crumb gets us sick
Then Kimmel and Fallon
And late night hosts all tell jokes
Making fun of gluten-free
The only treatment for us celiac folks
But here’s the sad thing
It’s not just the famous
It’s people in the GF community
Who are a pain in my anus
They promote unsafe products
And restaurants too
Why do they this?
I’ll give you a clue
The word starts with C
And ends in “ash”
They’ll do anything for a buck
Even if the product is trash
Every picture is perfect
Not a hair out of place
Not a wrinkle or a pimple
On their blemish-free face
The restaurants pay them
And give them free food
They post the perfect picture and scream
“How many have viewed???”
And not just free food
But plate upon plate
And yet somehow these GF influencers
Never gain weight
They promote unsafe “GF” pizza
And promote unsafe “GF” beer
How they do this and sleep at night
To me is unclear
Should I call them out by name
Should I tell you who they are
Perhaps I’ll give you hints
So you put them on your radar
One says “NoBread”
And another says “FollowMe”
If you follow them now
I suggest you unfollow thee
Yes there are more
Too many to mention
But I think I’ll stop there
And not give them the attention
Now I can hear what you’re saying
“Dude…aren’t you an influencer?
I mean you have a decent following
Don’t you influence sir?”
Here’s the big difference
I’m community first
To put profit over people
Is seriously just the worst
I’ve been blogging for 14 years
(Holy sh*t how time flies)
I don’t do paid reviews
And I don’t advertise
Let me be clear
It’s ok making money
We all gotta pay bills
And put food in our tummy
“Influencing” and being an “influencer”
Are two different things
One does it for the community
And the other for what it brings
So who should you follow
So you don’t get fleeced?
Well there’s the Gluten-free Globetrotter
And Celiac and the Beast
You’d like Michelle and her kitchen
And Inspired RD
The one and only GF Jules
And Mike from Philly
For those I’ve not mentioned
For those that I’ve missed
I appreciate what you do
Please don’t be pissed
So yeah…there are more
But my point it’s been made
There are influencers that actually help
Compared to those who just wanna get paid
So all you celiacs
Watch who you follow
Listen the wrong people
And gluten you may swallow
They don’t care about you
They don’t care about me
I’d like to write more
But I really gotta pee
And so in closing
Please listen to my words
Good people “influence”
But “influencers” are turds
Maybe some day
The world will come to its senses
And those who lie for money
Will suffer the consequences
But that’s not where we are
Not yet anyway
But a Gluten Dude may dream
I wish you all a good day!
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